Sunbird

What is my name?

I’m thinking about my name again.

I was re-reading Lu’s post about her name and some parts got me thinking about mine:

When I met new people, I’d tell them my name is ‘Luke’. But then they’d get confused when someone else called me ‘Lu’. Out of pure practicality and convenience’s sake, and nothing more, I started saying that my name is ‘Lu or Luke’. As you might imagine, this completely backfired and people got even more confused.

However, I started to see the humour and poetry in it after a while. By pure accident, and nothing more, I started says the words “either’s fine” tens or hundreds of times a day. It got pointed out to me.

I embraced it! And now I say the full “Lu or Luke, either’s fine” phrase. For me, it has a good mix of confusion and efficiency.

Now, there’s a whole layer to this story that I can’t relate to - I’ve never gone to gender clinics or felt the need to get my name legally changed - but I do relate to the story of incessant confusion over a first name.

I spent most of my life treating Zeina, my legal name, as one separate from my true self. It's a long story. It was a big deal for me when I told a friend that I preferred Zaina. It eventually led to some hurt feelings when they defaulted to Zeina. It hurt that they did not put in the effort to know me like I wanted to be known.

I realized I would be happier if I learned to embrace both names and then let go of my hold over either one. It felt freeing to finally embrace Zeina; to turn it into the first story I tell about myself on my blog, to let it be the only story most people know with no plans in place for a grand reveal.

When I named my blog Zeina, I got an email from the person who knew me the most, at the time, asking if that meant I was no longer Zaina, even in private. She knew, probably more than most people, how much I disliked Zeina. She also knew, more than most, that I could be fickle about my identity.

I replied:

i am always zaina when i am alone and i like when loved ones intentionally call me zaina but i will no longer expect it from anybody. deciding on that has finally removed the confusion for me :)

Which should you use?

Zeina or Zaina, either's fine!

Which do I prefer?

Whichever one causes less confusion.

In formal and group settings, that's often Zeina. I also just go along with whichever name other people use. That's often Zeina too, as I rarely introduce myself as Zaina anymore and never without a reference to my legal name.

The closest people to me use Zaina, so I probably have a bias where I instantly feel a psychological rapport with anybody who uses it.

The right name is whichever one you pick. I am used to both, I promise.

This is what it looks like:

#posts