Ranking bath beverages
Cherry's shower drinks post made me realize I had been short-sighted in my sole appreciation of shower beers. I could've been enjoying many a beverage whilst submerged in water.
So, I decided to conduct an experiment.
𓊝𓄹𓄺𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓅷𓏲
Research question: What is the perfect bath beverage?
Objective: To find a beverage that induces the utmost feeling of relaxation and contentedness while submerged in water.
Hypothesis: Zilch. I am open to being surprised.
Independent variable: One beverage a bath. Baths are the ideal medium for beverage rankings, even if they sometimes feel like tombstone practice.
𓊝𓄹𓄺𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓅷𓏲
The ranking is ordered from least perfect to most perfect:
Still water
Rating: 0.5/5
Notes: Drinking still water in the bath feels like playing catch-up with homework, like running a load of laundry while doing the dishes. Why don't you bring your taxes over for me to file?
Clamato
Rating: 1/5
Notes: There's something sinister about drinking clamato while surrounded by tiled walls and harsh artificial lighting.
Diet cola
Rating: 1.5/5
Notes: The sickly sweet of cola in combination with the cozy warm water was indulgent in a way that borders on gluttony.
Black tea
Rating: 2/5
Notes: Tea and baths are both inherently communal but the latter has taken a modern turn towards solitude that tea has yet to catch up with. I did not appreciate the caffeine but I did enjoy feeling like I, too, am a tea bag.
Ultra Monster
Rating: 2.5/5
Notes: The sickly sweet taste is still overwhelming when bare and still but it lessens when distracted by the promise of an upcoming bout of productivity.
Ayran
Rating: 3/5
Notes: Ayran brings forth a prophetic calm that complements the divine nature of bathing. Carbonation may well make it reign supreme.
Herbal tea
Rating: 3.5/5
Notes: Are you familiar with that feeling when you're watching TV next to somebody you love and you go "I could get used to this"? Herbal tea in the bath has me oscillating between: I am a tea bag. I could get used to this.
Sparkling water
Rating: 4/5
Notes: This feels nothing like homework and everything like a staycation. Sometimes a plain-Jane is exactly right and that's why you'll never catch me yucking someone else's vanilla yums.
Iced decaf rose latte
(Cupful of ice, two shots of decaf espresso, half a cup of milk, a teaspoon of rose water)
Rating: 4.5/5
Notes: The perfumey bitterness of the rose water balances wonderfully with the creaminess of the milk. It's timeless yet modern. Complex yet simple. Hippie yet traditional. A near-excellent bath beverage.
Zero-proof beer
Rating: 5/5
Notes: Bath beers are as rock and roll as it gets. I can't explain it but science can't explain a lot of things either.
𓊝𓄹𓄺𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓅷𓏲
Limitations: My humble sample only included beverages that were easy for me to prepare or acquire. As such, drinks that could've been strong contenders were excluded, like doogh, matcha soda and zero-proof wine.
Conclusion: The perfect bath beverage is ice-cold, decaffeinated, unsweetened and carbonated. Zero-proof beer fits the bill like no other. Since this experiment has come to an end, I've found it challenging to return to vertical bathing.