Q&A with my teenage self
I found a section in an old journal where I was meditating on some questions as a teenager. I thought I’d answer them again.
Is it possible to lie without saying anything at all?
Then: Yes, of course. We have two types of communication: verbal and non-verbal. As long as there are at least two parties involved, you can say anything with non-verbal communication, lying included. You can lie with a nod, a headshake, a smile, a facial expression, a gesture.
Now: Yes. We can lie to ourselves without saying anything at all by holding onto inherited beliefs that are only loosely examined.
Do you want to know when exactly you’re going to die?
Then: If I didn’t watch so many movies, I’d have said yeah. But that’s exactly what every movie about psychics advises against. Because of that, I think, and because I’m the kind of person to fuss too much about the future, I wouldn’t want to know. I’d rather live my life not knowing so I could try to achieve as much as possible instead of locking myself away at home and writing sad poetry.
Now: No. I'm freakishly good with dates. I still remember the birthdays of people I stopped talking to years ago. I'm also constantly trying to symmetrically align events and anniversaries into a perfect narrative story. If I knew what day I was going to die, it's all I'd think about.
What’s the difference between existing and living?
Then: If I had to give an example, I'd say this: There are two students, let’s say, who were asked to read a book and answer some questions about it. Student A doesn’t read the whole book. Instead, Student A chooses to read the questions and read specific excerpts to find the answers he’s looking for. Student B, on the other hand, enjoys it tremendously and answers the questions too. As you can surmise, Student A represents any person who chooses to merely exist while Student B is any person who chooses to fully live. While you might think it’s better to exist because you’re saving yourself heartbreak and pain and such, and that it’s better to be Student A because you’re saving time, ultimately it’ll come back to bite you because that’s the beauty of being alive, getting to experience life with your five senses.
Now: I wish I could be surprised about my teenage self using the experience of reading an academic book as an example of true living but it tracks. I think existing is running on autopilot without checking if you're actually content with default settings. Living demands intention.