Sunbird

Applications open: Dream writer (unpaid)

Last night, I had a dream that I ran into Sam at a diner. I was with my friend Yasmeen and I said oh that’s Sam. She’s not responding to my texts. She reached over and tapped Sam on the shoulder and asked her why she would do such a thing. Sam, upon being asked, immediately rolled her eyes at me.

That was the last straw. I fired my team of dream writers.

Sam would never roll her eyes at me.

She would show up to brunch an hour and a half late without explaining herself. And she would invite me to Kenya and then forget to tell me she booked her flight. And she would accuse me of harbouring internalized racism for saying that ginger beards look hot on dark-haired men.

But she would never roll her eyes at me!

They all had to go. I fired the entire team. I lined them all up and then stood in front of each one, pointing my finger and yelling you're fired. They never joined the union, thankfully, because I convinced them that there's no need to bother with that monthly fee. Why would you need to join a union when employed at a woman-owned business? We're so nice :-)

I’d been tolerating this hacky bunch for years, so this was a weight off my subconscious. While other people are having dreams where they fight crime and fly, my dreams have been a mere play-by-play of my daily life with one extra prompt: What if everyone you thought loved you actually hated you?

There was one time where they felt generous and wrote me a dream where I met Kevin Barnes in a car. That was nice until I realized that they gave me a monologue where I just talked about my fear of cutting myself while shaving my kneecaps. Imagine that! How cruel and ridiculous. If I met Kevin Barnes in a car, I would not bring up my kneecaps at all! That’s the last thing I would bring up if I met him.

The situation, as it stands, is that I am now dreamless. I have no one to write my dream scripts and play them for me while I get a subpar amount of sleep. I could pick up lucid dreaming, of course, but I would hate to work for myself.

Could you be my new dream writer?

I’m on the lookout for a dream writer to fill an unpaid intern role. Someone with five to ten years of dream-writing experience (less experience is needed if you’ve done dream-writing for a real-life celebrity and would be willing to share some hot goss). Someone with a fresh youthful voice and a tendency to people-please. Someone who doesn’t know what they’re worth and would happily accept very little in return for feeling chosen.

And boy would you feel chosen! It would only be you, after all, as I need someone who can carry the load of an entire team. Why have many when you can just have one? The one! Are you the one? I feel like it could be you. You’re so different from everyone else and I can feel it through the screen. Why else would you still be here reading all of this? You are strange! This is the perfect gig for you!

To be considered for an interview, you’ll need to share a few dream scenario samples. To inspire you, here's a list of things I'd enjoy experiencing in a dream:

#posts